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Limericks

Dec 9, 2017
Originally published on December 9, 2017 10:28 am
Copyright 2017 NPR. To see more, visit http://www.npr.org/.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAITWAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or you can click the contact us link on our website at waitwait.npr.org. There, you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our upcoming show in South Bend, Ind., on Feb. 8.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME.

MARY-GRAY MAHONEY: Hi, Peter. This is Mary-Gray Mahoney, calling from Tucson, Ariz.

SAGAL: Oh, how are things in Tucson?

MAHONEY: They are finally cooling down. We had our first freezing day last...

SAGAL: All right. What do you consider freezing to be?

(LAUGHTER)

P. J. O'ROURKE: Right.

MAHONEY: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Did you say your name was Mary-Gray?

MAHONEY: Yes.

SAGAL: That's your first name?

MAHONEY: Uh-huh.

SAGAL: Oh, that's interesting. I haven't heard of that before. Where does that come from? Do you know?

MAHONEY: Yeah, my mom actually went to school with a girl named Mary-Gray. She's from the South. So the double-name thing is very common down there (laughter).

SAGAL: Yeah. Well, welcome to the show, Mary-Gray. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. Your job - fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two of the limericks. Do that - you're a winner. Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: This gift from my pot dealer, Keith, has holly and pine underneath. This Christmas, I need a kind ring of weed.

FAITH SALIE: (Laughter).

KURTIS: A cannabis holiday...

MAHONEY: Wreath?

SAGAL: Wreath, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: A California company...

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: Very great.

SAGAL: ...Is helping you celebrate the high holiday...

O'ROURKE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: ...With a Christmas wreath laced with marijuana. It cost $400. It contains an ounce of chemdawg, which we guess is, you know, what would Jesus smoke?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: There are also in the wreath, you know, artfully arranged eucalyptus and rosemary branches, or as they're known in the wreath in this business - oh, god, I just smoked a gram of rosemary.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: The flood of soft friends is real steady there. And more will arrive. I'll show ready care. To get rid of them all, a new service I'll call at SPCA for a...

MAHONEY: Teddy bear.

SAGAL: Yes, teddy bear.

KURTIS: Yes, Mary-Gray. Goodness.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good job, Mary-Gray.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Illinois-based home organizer Jay Myers (ph) specializes in helping clients throw away their beloved stuffed animals.

O'ROURKE: (Laughter).

SAGAL: This is true. Think of a...

SALIE: What kind of person is this?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, that's what we were wondering. What kind of person decides to get into that line of work, you know?

O'ROURKE: What kind of person is going to take my teddy (laughter) bear away?

SAGAL: It's like she saw "Toy Story 3," and she cried when the toys didn't go into the incinerator after all.

SALIE: Yeah.

SAGAL: This is not an unusual job of home organizer. People do this all the time. People...

SALIE: They do not throw away beloved...

O'ROURKE: They do not throw away...

SALIE: ...This whole Kondoizing (ph)...

SAGAL: Yeah.

SALIE: ...This Marie Kondo - you're supposed to hold things. And if they spark joy, you keep them. So when you hold your beloved - what you call ratty, Peter...

O'ROURKE: (Laughter).

SALIE: ...You and this woman - when you hold your beloved, tattered, stuffed things...

O'ROURKE: Yes.

SALIE: ...They spark joy and memories. And then she tosses them to their death.

SAGAL: Oh. First, she blindfolds them.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I'm not kidding.

O'ROURKE: Oh, it gets worse.

SAGAL: Part of her advice...

O'ROURKE: And then waterboards them - waterboards them, I'll bet.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: No, no, no, no. Part her technique, she says, is she's helping people, you know, separate themselves from these old, stuffed toys. So she says...

O'ROURKE: Aw.

SAGAL: ...You know, the eyes, she says, have life. So if you cover their eyes, "it won't give off that energy anymore," she says, unquote. She then adds...

PAULA POUNDSTONE: OK, well, that part's nutty.

SAGAL: She then adds...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Then I don't have a problem with the rest of it. But covering your eyes...

SALIE: I'm so offended by this. Then what does she do? Oh, what does she do next?

SAGAL: She says, it puts the lotion on the skin.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Mary-Gray, here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: In co-sleeping, parents feel trackless. So this bedmaker helps with that practice. Here's a thing - you need bigger than king. So we're making a family...

MAHONEY: Mattress.

SAGAL: Yes, mattress.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Three in a row. Good for you, Mary.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The Ace Collection wants to make sure you spend every waking and sleeping moment with your kids. Their new family mattress is a 12-foot-wide sleep barge...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Twice the size of a king-sized bed and designed to fit everyone in your entire family.

O'ROURKE: Not available to Republican congressmen.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yes.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Grandma and grandpa visiting? Scoot over, kids.

O'ROURKE: Yep.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Celebrating your anniversary? Scoot way over, kids.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: It could - what if it were, like, one of those Sleep Number beds where (laughter) all 12 people got to have his or her own number?

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: Oh, my Lord. It's going up and down.

POUNDSTONE: It's like a mountain range.

SALIE: Yeah (laughter).

SAGAL: Bill, how did Mary-Gray do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Mary-Gray got them all right. She's a winner.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Mary-Gray.

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: Thank you, Mary-Gray.

MAHONEY: Thank you.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

MAHONEY: Bye. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.