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Limericks

Apr 14, 2018
Originally published on April 16, 2018 2:00 pm
Copyright 2018 NPR. To see more, visit http://www.npr.org/.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our upcoming shows on June 21 at Tanglewood in the Berkshires and on July 19 at Wolf Trap outside Washington, D.C. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

LARRY TUVER: Hi, this is Larry from Columbus, Ohio.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in Columbus? We were just there.

TUVER: Things are warm today.

SAGAL: Yeah, it's nice. What do you do there in Columbus?

TUVER: I'm a glassblower.

SAGAL: No kidding. really?

TUVER: Yep.

SAGAL: Do you ever worry about like what happens if, suddenly, you forget and just inhale?

(LAUGHTER)

TUVER: I usually tell people that I'm a glass blower, not a glass sucker.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah. It's important to make that decision. Glass suckers don't last long in that business. Well, welcome to the show, Larry. Bill Kurtis right now is going to read for you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a big winner. Are you ready to go?

TUVER: I am.

SAGAL: Here's your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: Ancient monsters that children aged 9 adore. They give status like seats to the Final Four. Though you cannot have sue, we've got fossils for you. We museums sell bones of a...

TUVER: Dinosaur.

SAGAL: Yes, a dinosaur.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: An auction house in Paris this week...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...Is offering skeletons of two dinosaurs, calling them, quote, "hip interior design objects," for people who can't afford them. Auctioneers expect the skeletons to fetch up to $2 million. The houses expect interest in fossil collecting to increase exponentially, which is fine because we all know nothing bad ever happens when a bunch of billionaires get access to dinosaur DNA.

(LAUGHTER)

FAITH SALIE: Are these just parts of dinosaurs or the whole...

SAGAL: It's an actual skeleton, I mean, more or less complete skeletons, which is why they're valuable.

SALIE: And why you have to have a mansion to house it.

SAGAL: Exactly.

TOM BODETT: I got to think of something that a billionaire would want to collect.

SAGAL: And then make sure that you have the only one.

BODETT: Hay bales. I mean, you think they have hay bales?

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: I got a lot of hay bales.

SAGAL: Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: I did wash my hands. I'm no liar. But my germ count has never been higher. It's a new bathroom scare - all that dank, fecal air gets condensed and then spread by the...

TUVER: Dryer?

SAGAL: Yes, dryer is the answer. Very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Dryer. You're right.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Good news - bathroom air dryers that put the finishing touch on your clean hands are actually giving you a little souvenir of your visit. They're blowing fecal bacteria all over your hands. According to a study in applied and environmental microbiology, the dryers suck in the surrounding air to blast it back out, but they don't filter the bathroom air to make it clean. So we thought we were so smart when we were, like, giving up paper towels for the environment, but we actually just replaced them with what is essentially a farting robot.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: How is this a new scare? Who among us thought these were ever a good idea? Who ever used these? These are disgusting. I make my children stay so far away from them. Seriously, have you ever used a hand dryer in a bathroom?

ADAM BURKE: All the time. What you do is you...

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: What were you thinking?

BURKE: You turn it upside down, and you pretend like you're falling out of a plane.

(LAUGHTER)

BODETT: They don't work but, you know, it's when there's nothing else, you do that just so when you wipe your hands on your pants, they're not like total handprints, you know, there's just a little wetness there.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Larry, here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: Stick with classic kids' names. Just try Leah or check furniture's stores for ideas. Along with great deals, you'll get Tarva or Nils. You can shop for kids names at...

TUVER: IKEA.

SAGAL: IKEA.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Yes, sir.

SAGAL: Who would not want to name their pride and joy after the coffee table you spent a full Saturday swearing at?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: In order to keep up with the trend of inventing unusual baby names, millennials, we are told, are now naming their children after IKEA products like TARVA, MALM, and meatball.

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: Do they send someone over to assemble your kid's name?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, some people may think...

BODETT: It's missing a letter.

SAGAL: ...Some people may think that giving your kid an IKEA name is a bad idea, but nothing makes child rearing easier than setting very low expectations for your child. It's OK, son, we know you'll fall apart after a few years. We'll just get another one.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: That's great because this is to make people look like a lunatic, like why are you telling the futon to wash its hands?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It does get messy when mom wakes up in the middle of the night and tries to nurse the bookshelf. No, mama, I'm Billy.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Larry do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Larry, blow yourself a glass trophy. You got them all right.

SAGAL: Congratulations.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well done. Thank you, Larry. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.