89.1 WEMU

Limericks

Jun 16, 2018
Originally published on June 18, 2018 2:03 pm
Copyright 2018 NPR. To see more, visit http://www.npr.org/.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the contact us link on our website, waitwait@npr.org. There, you can find out about attending our weekly shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago. And next week's show at Tanglewood in the Berkshires in beautiful Lenox, Mass. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

TERRY BANISIK: Hi, this is Terry Banisik in Portland, Ore.

SAGAL: Hey Terry, how are things in Portland?

BANISIK: It's beautiful here.

SAGAL: It is. I love Portland. And what do you do there?

BANISIK: I'm the executive assistant to the dean at Lewis and Clark College.

SAGAL: Lewis and Clark College - a very fine institution of higher learning.

BANISIK: It is indeed.

HARI KONDABOLU: I performed there. I was very good.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Terry, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you will be a winner. Ready to play?

BANISIK: I am.

SAGAL: Here's your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: I used to think snacks were a perk, but those calories do more than lurk. I'm fat from my uptake of sweet office cupcakes. I can't resist free food at...

BANISIK: Work.

SAGAL: Right - free food at work.

KURTIS: It is.

SAGAL: A new study by the Center for Disease Control shows Americans are consuming an extra 1,300 calories a week just from eating free food at work, which leads to significant weight gain and Chex Mix embedded in your keyboard.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So next time your co-worker brings in cupcakes, skip the happy birthday, and just say go to hell, Barbara.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The CDC suggests employees bring healthy food to share, like whole grains or carrot sticks, which will get you fired and solve the problem.

(LAUGHTER)

ROXANNE ROBERTS: Can I just say - I know it's wrong, but anybody who sort of brings to an office party carrot sticks, I just think that person is a spoil sport.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Or how about, like, the sort of more complete veggie dip tray - your carrot sticks, your tomatoes, your radishes, a little dip - is that all right? Is that acceptable to you, Roxanne?

ROBERTS: Well, I understand the intent. I'm just not interested.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your next limerick, Terry.

KURTIS: I got jet fuel and nozzles to aim lower because my leaves just got pushed by that lame blower. I just light a match and torch the whole batch. I just got my own private...

BANISIK: Flamethrower.

SAGAL: Flamethrower - yes.

KURTIS: Yes.

SAGAL: Tesla CEO Elon Musk has launched yet another new business selling flamethrowers. But to make sure everyone stays safe, he has named the flamethrowers Not A Flamethrower.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's true. There's a law against selling flamethrowers so he calls it Not A Flamethrower. They cost $500; 20,000 have already been ordered. The first customers had theirs delivered this week, and they've already taken to social media to post pictures of everything they are now lighting on fire.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Not to worry. It's perfectly safe because - this is true - anyone purchasing it, had to agree to the following terms and conditions as written by Mr. Musk. I will not use this in a house.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I will not point this at my spouse.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: I will not use this in an unsafe way. The best use is creme brulee.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Luckily, those terms say nothing about pointing it directly at Musk.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: The Royals might greet her with heckles. I long for her cute facial speckles. Just like Meghan Markle's, my skin will have sparkles. I'm getting tattooed with some...

BANISIK: Freckles.

SAGAL: Yes, freckles.

KURTIS: Yes.

SAGAL: Since the royal wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, tattoo parlors have seen an uptick in people wanting to recreate the duchess' freckles. But be careful before getting inked up. According to Gabrielle Rainbow, tattoo artist and My Little Pony, she says, quote, "because this is your face, it's important that you do your research," unquote. Face tattoos require an expert technician, and many don't realize that each freckle symbolizes one person you have murdered in jail.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Terry do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Good for you, Terry - every one correct.

BANISIK: Yay.

SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing. Congratulations.

BANISIK: Thank you.

SAGAL: Thank you for playing, Terry. Bye-bye.

BANISIK: Thank you, bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN")

SEX PISTOLS: (Singing) God save the queen, the fascist regime, they made you a moron. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.